The Organ of Blood Circulation, and It's Attributed Emotions

(I feel the need to include a disclaimer at this point since I seem to have followers now; I told no one of Muted Musings, people simply found out about it. These serve as an internal analysis of my own mind and the events around me, and, by jove, I don't want to have to censor my own thoughts from others who happen to read them, so whilst I don't mind people reading, I would appreciate a nill amount of gossip. This is my mind; whilst I'm not locking the door, I do politely ask for the chairs to be put back on the tables when you leave, and for the last one out to get the lights.)

This is probably the most awkward topic of the few I've looked at so far. Those who know me know me well enough that I'm near enough physically incapable of discussing this without becoming incessantly quiet and inward, skating over the topic with "O____o" or just making a few jokes to change the subject. Nevertheless, it is becoming more and more apparent that it must be addressed soon, at the risk of my own loss of characteral development. Even with myself, I find it tricky to challenge my own reluctance to review it (I note that I've taken repetitive measures subconciously to avoid using the word "Love" (there, said it) as evidence of this), but I see this as a good time to get the issue over and done with so that I may progress as a person.

Now that I've accepted the discussion of it as an inevitable part of this post, I feel drawn to annhilate all of my issues surrounding it. Chiefly, I want to route the problem of my own inability to accept love as a part of my life. It has thus far in my life been something which simply happens to other people. That is not to say I have not loved, I am referring at all times in this post as requited love which can be shared. Immediately I see this as an alien concept, and directly afterward I am concerned with this interpretation. Mankind is a race of social interaction. We cannot exist without it, and it is influenced by everything we do. To limit it is to reduce one's own capacity for humanity. That said, I must bear in mind I am still at an early stage of life, but at the same time I would value some closure on the topic, or at least some understanding on my position.

Firstly, I want to address why I am so awkward around the topic, and explore in more detail the effects of this. I note from past experience (and to some degree, present experience) a fear of rejection plays its part. Logically speaking, this is a ridiculous fear. It makes logical sense to cast the die, rejoice if you win and live to play again another day if you lose, just as well off as when you started. But the fear remains. The human mind, with all its precognitive gifts, constructs a fearsome world around the concept of rejection. A reduction in self-esteem, humiliation, social degrading and the loss of a friend. To me, I can only see the final one to be of any importance to me, but it still presents an impassable barrier, by using probability and caution as a form of snaring my actions. On top of this, I observe the fate of others who jump this hurdle and crash into it, seeing them squirm as they are consumed by the unfortunate result of their gambit. I suspect my awkwardness runs deeper than this though. I can only assume I am either hiding something from myself, or it is an inherent part of my nature. Both of these explanations present their own problems. If I am hiding something from myself, I demand on principle to know what it is, for whatever reason I don't want me to know. If it is part of my character; am I flawed? It is beyond my control to edit this, my character is a result of earlier versions of me making choices which fit that incarnation of me in that point of time in varying scenarios, spanning back to my birth. If I have developed to be awkward and hesitant, then it is something which cannot be changed immediately, and even over time it is not my concious choice to make this change, and my burden to continue as I am. I suspect this a more likely conclusion, and unfortunately something which simply has to be accepted.

Moving on to more realistic aspects of the topic, I have to consider the implications of love, if the above were not important. As tricky as that is, I feel it integral to the solving of my own problems. At present, I can only really see this as a plausible solution with the use of my good friends, Hypothetical and his cousin; Situation. If, for sake of example, I were to find myself in a relationship, how would I act? Without being bigheaded (that said, I can't be the judge of my own arrogance, as I mentioned in some other post, so again, someone harm me somehow if I'm becoming arrogant) I would say I would be obsessively caring, and that would be my downfall (i.e., so obsessively nice to them it becomes sickening) but I really can't say for sure what I would be like. It is an entirely unexplored region of my life experience. I am certain of one thing though, from way back at the start of my life; No cheating. Ever.

After an hour of writing and Rhian refusing to sleep until I reach a conclusion, I feel I must either finish or finish later. A more feasible option would be to do this in two blogs, since it is such an expansive topic. But one more thing needs closure specifically, for tonight. My current situation (at this point I'm treading veeery carefully lest gossip spawn like vile mushrooms of attention) requires some attention if it is to pass without problems, or with success. One thing that I can be sure of is that friends are aware of the situation, whether or not I'm certain it exists or not, and an oppurtunity for the analysis of how others act when aware of something is available as such. Also, I perceive it as a challenge to my aforementioned awkwardness. An almost storybook hurdle to jump, overcoming the fear and whatnot clinging at me. Some analysis is needed, but either way, I think I can be sure it would act as a life lesson.

Will probably continue tomorrow (today), but in a seperate post maybe.